Spent about six hours on a bus today. It was a bit Gilligan’s Island-esque: The expected 7-hour organized tour to the Great Wall of China turned into a 9.5-hour adventure — where 6 of those hours were spent on a bus. I arrived just before the 9:00 a.m. scheduled departure time…and sat on the bus. I learned that in Beijing, there’s a propensity not to set estimated departure times and instead just opt to wait until the communal transport vehicle is full. In this case, the Chinese-language tour bus didn’t leave Beijing until about 9:30.
The first surprise I got was realizing there would be constant live narrative…in Mandarin. This guy stood up with a microphone and talked non-stop for the full hour it took to arrive at our first stopping point. I think he was pointing out the sites of Beijing, but since I don’t speak Mandarin, who really knows? I just know at one point I looked up from my Lonely Planet guide book and realized he was pointing to a building we were passing, and everyone else on the bus was looking at it. It wasn’t very interesting – or at least, it wasn’t an ancient-looking structure – so I didn’t feel I was missing anything.
But back to the tour: Our first stop was…wait for it…the Beijing Wax Palace of the Ming Dynasty. Wha..wha…what?! As I got off the bus, the Mandarin-speaking tour guide held up a batch of post-it notes with 11:30 written on it. It was 10:50, so apparently we had a 40-minute detour at the wax museum, which I opted to skip. So I sat in the lobby of the warehouse-like structure, twiddling my thumbs and occasionally perusing the super-kitschy, super-cheap souvenirs.
11:30: OK, everyone back on the bus…or not. Back to that whole waiting-until-the-bus-is-full thing, we hung out in the parking lot until 11:50 before heading to lunch. Except upon exiting the bus this time, the Mandarin-speaking tour guide flashed two times written on the post-it note; he mimed eating and pointed to the first time – 12:30 – before pointing at the bus and pointed to the second time – 1:00. Huh, wonder what we’re supposed to do for the next half hour before food time? I follow the masses into the building – warehouse size but with typical Chinese detailing on the front of the building – where we’re greeted by a woman who’s mic’d up and delivering a flurry of Mandarin. Not very helpful for me, but the others from the bus seem interested and are happy to follow her mic’d up, flag-waving self through the corridors, which fortunately include an English-language summary that details the history of jade manufacturing in China. Huh; we must be at a jade shop…yup, there’s the huge room with counters full of jade jewelry with pushy salespeople. Since I’m not so fond of the options, I just peruse through the hall before heading upstairs for lunch.
All I had to say was thank goodness for tofu. That was the only discernable item – besides the rice and broth with noodles. I know there was a whole fish of some sort that people were tearing at, but I steered clear of. Adding to the dubious nature of the lunch was remembering that as I walked down to this room, I was regaled with posters describing the history of the use of deer in the Yuan territory, including the health and nutritional benefits of deer intestines and deer hearts. So the mystery dishes may have included deer; not really sure.
By the time the bus leaves – pretty close to the appointed time this time – I’m hoping our next stop will be the Great Wall since that was why I bought the ticket in the first place. We drive for another 20 or so minutes that includes a gradual climb into what I consider to be foothills. And voila, there’s the Great Wall! That we just passed. Until we arrived at a section that has a whole bunch of other tour buses and what appears to be a tourist-catered sales area hawking more kitschy stuff and street-food-like grub. As I hop off the bus, I note that I’m supposed to be back by 15:35, and follow the crowds. Looks like I’m finally climbing the Great Wall.
I’m going to fast forward a bit to preface the next part by saying that as I was returning to the bus, I was seriously tempted to buy one of the kitschy “I climbed the Great Wall” sweatshirts being hawked. However, none of them adequately conveyed my experience. I think I’ll have to cafepress my own; it will say, “I fucking climbed the Great Wall. Have you?!?”
From my tagline, you could probably deduce that climbing the Great Wall kicked. my. ass. And I didn’t even go all the way to the last available guard tower – even though it was primarily a descent between the tower where I stopped and that final tower. That’s because I knew the way back would be a bitch of an incline. If you’ve never climbed the Great Wall, let me try to convey what it’s like to ascend: imagine cranking up the stair stepper at the gym to the greatest resistance level and walking it at a 70% angle. I kid you not; there were times that I had to bend over so I wouldn’t fall backwards down the crazy concrete path. Or there were times that I had to make these humongous pseudo-leaps to the next step, since the stairs were the height of my entire calf. Thankfully, there were rails on each side; otherwise, there would have been many, many injuries as people came sliding down the mountain.
Then I learned that going up these inclines was almost easier because my body mass and momentum weren’t propelling me forward, as was the case on the descent. I’m very proud to say I fell only once going downhill. And I didn’t feel too bad on the way up when I took breathing breaks at every opportunity. When I happened across other people audibly gasping for breath, I knew I wasn’t just an out-of-shape foreigner. Apparently, if that type of experience isn’t sufficiently exhilarating, there’s a Great Wall marathon. What? Who would do something like that?
So…yeah…I came. I saw. I fucking climbed the Great Wall.
And before I wrap this post, I’ve got to rant a bit: There’s a Disney-like conveyor car that slowly snakes its way up the mountain to the watch tower I didn’t make it to. All I’ve gotta say is, anyone who opts to take this means of transportation has never climbed the Great Wall, is a cheater, and DOES NOT qualify to order one of my cafepress shirts.
